Mommy Wars
This is the topic of the book that I am reading for my Sociology of the Family class this week. It's really good. I feel like the author is putting down in words all the thoughts in my head. She says that the "Mommy Wars" as we know it (working vs. stay-at-home moms) is not really where our country needs to place its emphasis. Every mom in each of those situations is simply doing what is best for her family at that point in time, and if we really want to have a discussion about working moms and SAHMs then we need to look at the structure of our workplace.
This is a timely book for me to read because I am nearing graduation with my Master's and contemplating applying to a PhD program. But, I think that I want to be a mom someday, so I often question "is it worth it?" "Can I be a working PhD and the type of mom that I want to be?" "What is the point of going through all that work if I am going to stay home with the chittlins'?" "Do I really want to pay someone else to raise my children?" These are the questions that I ask myself from time to time.
Most often, my feelings are primarily expressed as anger. I am angry that this is a choice I have to make. Angry that these are my only two options. My mother, who always told me that I could do anything, now says that I can't have it all and I will eventually have to choose one or the other. I hear the same thing from other mothers as well, and I know it's true.
Sure, there are some moms who do both, but not entirely. No one, no matter how capable, can fully serve the two greedy institutions of parenthood and the labor market. Reading this book helped me understand just what it is that I'm mad at I guess, or where exactly my anger should be placed. I am mad at the structure of work, that it leaves parents little to no options for caring for their young children. I mean, if we are going to commit 40-45 years to the workforce, can't we get a break for 1-2 years to care for our babies, or our parents when they need us most?
I know this is rambly (is that a word?) and quite possibly incoherent, but its something that I'm struggling with and really trying to understand. I know that He has a plan for me, a plan that might include trying to get my doctorate, being a mommy, both, or neither. Trying to figure out what that plan is is the hard part.
posted by Rachel and Robert @ 11:50 PM
3 Comments:
Sometimes things sneak up on us. I wasn't nearly as orderly in planning my life as you are--I taught because I enjoyed it, and then I stayed home for 10 years because I enjoyed that! In order to start teaching again, I had to take a bunch of graduate classes and still do the mommy thing, at the same time. That worked okay.
What I'm saying here is it might be easiest to be pregnant and a young mother during grad school. There were even times that I took my two little girls to class with me, and the professor in one of the classes used them as examples! You usually can arrange some sort of co-op child care for the time you are in class, and then you are with the chittlin's all the rest of the time. It isn't really easy to study that way--I had to hire a baby sitter once to finish writing a term paper--but it can be done.
Another thing we learned the hard way--it is very important that moms be accessible during the adolescent years, maybe even more important that during the early school years.
Good luck, whatever you decide! By the way, we have a friend in Finland who had a one-year paid maternity leave when her baby was born. In addition, they receive money from the government to help pay for child care, and the daddys can get maternity leave too! You might want to consider relocating.
Hey--one more thing. You have a wonderful husband who will be a wonderful daddy, so it won't be nearly as hard for you as it is for many mommies. You guys will be "parents", not a mommy and her husband.
Okay, rachie. Time for a new post!
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